You attempt to “catch up with yourself.”
Which implies a series of events/set of tasks/projected fulfillment. I am not particularly interested in this Self, functional and representative. I am intrigued by Another, one seduced and consumed in/between points of interest. This is the Self that lacks coherent expression. A Self with no space for vaulted desire and essential projection. This is a Self annihilated by Presence, absolutely fertile (also, (one might claim), in love with American Cheese and underrated U.S. cities).
(I spent the better part of a year recoiling from “my” Life. As much as possible, I attempted to deny the possibility of “catching up” in favor of Loss. I sought to enhance the line between absolute focus and self destruction. Not self destruction in the sense of a death drive. Self destruction as a process of letting go/removing, obviating/surrendering to as many aggregates of Self as possible/necessary to discover/outline a means to Recover).
What can be restored? Is there a point between desire and urgency that can be processed, wherein one might reliably “help oneself”? Where might one seek refuge from the ubiquity of projected identity? (READ: digitized & networked self-hood).
(I both performed and permitted each emergent opportunity for self-experimentation/annihilation. There are many instances I wish I could take back, however you learn to be completely Present in/with these fatal events. This is absolutely necessary if you desire to Live).
You sacrifice yourself completely to the Unknown. You discover the essence of dreams in Trauma. You are a different Being at every moment, because there are only moments, now that you have fully surrendered to your nature. You are leveled. You are sheer. You are the process and the course of investigation, curiosity. You turn on what you Believe and Need and thus must turn Within. You’ve no other choice. You are replaced.
(I recovered my flesh; found NOISE. While I strongly dissuade you from following this path, this much is true): There are some of us who cannot help but love the world, all of it, even that which kills us. We may never be satisfied. Thus, we must bind to the unbound and to each other, and there is precious little time and no undoing what has been done. Our Way is one of tension, we do not succumb to our demons, WE LIVE THEM, WE ARE LIVED RESISTANCE. And so we make noise. WE MAKE NOISE.
(I left behind all I knew and believed because I resisted the prophecy of my own undoing. I found a Life unhinged and I raced against it, for fear of living the truth of nature, of form.)
YOU NO LONGER FEAR BECAUSE THERE IS NO LEAVING THE NOISE. THERE IS NO LEAVING THE NOISE ONCE YOU ARE IN IT BECAUSE YOU ARE IT. In the end WE MAKE NOISE because WE HAVE TO, because in/between THE NOISE, WE RECOVER LIFE.